Out Our Way by Michael Riordon

Author:Michael Riordon [Riordon, Michael]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781926662251
Barnesnoble:
Publisher: Between the Lines
Published: 1996-05-22T00:00:00+00:00

30 THE FRONT DOOR

“WHEN I VISIT MY BIOLOGICAL FAMILY, I FEEL LIKE I’M going into another country. My parents, even my siblings won’t ask me anything about my life, they won’t even ask about my lover. I think they’re absolutely terrified to hear anything that might force them to acknowledge I’m a lesbian. It’s amazing – my God, here I am forty years old, and I’m still fighting to be accepted by these people. It makes me aware of how lonely I can be when I’m out of my own little community.”

Cathy’s little community is a small group of women who share a wooded property about an hour’s drive south of Winnipeg. On a rainy June evening, we’re gathered for supper at Joyce’s house, a light, airy place with windows running up the sloped roof. Cathy’s work partner, Jill, is just back from Nova Scotia with a load of fresh lobster. Present are: Cathy; her partner, Sandra*; Joyce; Jill; Mary, who has a house back through the woods; and Margo, the woman she’s dating. And me. The place is humming with talk and laughter; you’d think these women hadn’t seen each other in years.

Cathy built all or some parts of each house here, including her own and Sandra’s. She lives here but works in Winnipeg, running a small home renovation business with Jill, who’s also a carpenter living in the city. They work mainly for women.

Cathy grew up in a conservative Catholic family. “For all I knew, homosexuality didn’t even exist. So I just went along doing what I was supposed to, until my mid-twenties when I got a job in a place where most of the other women happened to be lesbians. Of course I only found that out as I got to know them. And part of me really disapproved. Then I became lovers with one of them. It felt so healthy and loving, but even then I still couldn’t bring myself to use the word ‘lesbian.’ All I could manage to say was I happen to be involved with a woman. I’ve seen lots of women in the same situation. It’s like you want to explore this whole new world, but you’re too scared to go in through the front door.”

Her face registers pain; her voice is unsteady. “Sometimes I’m overwhelmed by how much self-hate I still have in me. I’m trying so hard to be out there, to be who I am, but then there are times I just want to hide from all the hatred. You know it’s out there. I sometimes wonder if we have a false sense of security.” Some people in the town nearby refer to the community here as “that lesbian colony,” and it is not meant kindly. “We can laugh about these things, but you can’t get away from them; they just eat away at you.” She’s speaking with effort now, and crying. “But if you let yourself have any doubts, any questions, it seems bad, as if you weren’t being strong enough, or brave enough – you know?” Nods all round, we know it well.

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